There is a word that changed the way I understood my own experience of becoming a mother. That word is matrescence. I wish somebody had handed it to me the first time around.

Matrescence describes the process of becoming a mother. Not the birth itself. The becoming. The physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual and neurological transformation that happens when you cross that threshold. It is as profound and disorienting as adolescence, and just like adolescence, nobody welcomes you back and asks “how was that for you? What did you learn?” These initiations aren’t held in western culture. So instead of being one of the most celebrated times, postpartum is the most misunderstood and isolated time of our lives. You are expected to feel joy. But many don’t feel it and instead perform it. But you’re grateful. You made it to the other side. You and your baby are healthy, but not all of you has arrived to this moment. You’re disembodied. You’re remembering the birth, play by play, the old relationship you had before pregnancy with your partner, your old friendships. The way your body moves through space, the spontaneity. God, you miss it. And you’re here now. You wouldn’t change a thing. And you would. There’s some shame. I wanted this, but I haven’t learned who this person is yet. All can be true at once. You can hold all those truths, those polarities at once. It’s called “being an adult”.

Your Brain Actually Changes

This is not a metaphor. Research published in Nature Neuroscience shows that the brain undergoes significant structural changes during pregnancy and the postpartum period. Synaptic pruning happens. Neural pathways reorganize. 

You become exquisitely attuned to your baby's needs, which is remarkable. It also means the version of you that existed before is genuinely, biologically different now.

That is not a loss to be ashamed of. It is a transformation to be held in reverence.

But it lands as a loss before it lands as anything else, and that needs to be said out loud. That needs to be grieved. We’ve forgotten how to hold space for grief on this level. Such a severe ego death. We hurry ourselves along and ask if we’re cut out for the job. 

Why This Matters for Birth Work

At Carriage House Birth, we talk a lot about preparing for birth. Birth preferences, labor positions, what to pack in your bag. All of that matters. And we also know that the conversation that happens after the baby arrives is just as important as everything that came before.

The fourth trimester is part of the whole. We understand (and pride ourselves on helping you during pregnancy to understand) that you are in the middle of a developmental passage, a rite of passage. Not a crisis. You’re not meant to know. You’re meant to learn how to ask for help, ask for stories. Ask to be shown. That’s what we did for centuries. It was an art form. 

What Helps

Admit you don’t know. Let people help you. It’s so many people’s love language!

Name it. Find postpartum support groups. Lactation support groups. Meet up with that one parent you met in that class. Let yourself be found. 

Get support before you need it. Fill up your tool basket with your peoples phone numbers. If you are pregnant right now, this is the moment to think about your postpartum care team. Who are they, really? Not just who will hold the baby while you sleep, but who will hold you while you slip, dissociate, shame spiral, and dust yourself off again. Parents need witnessing in order to do it well. To fully inhabit the role we need others who have done it before and who want to share what helped them. Preparing prenatally for postpartum is always key. The sleep deprivation will test everything so nutrition and minerals are my saving grace. One thing that genuinely helped me: making sure my body was as supported as it could be throughout pregnancy, from the right prenatal nutrition and supplements (we recommend Needed, and use code CARRIAGE for 20% off) to staying hydrated with Buoy electrolyte drops. Enjoying a gorgeous meal prepared by Welcome Home because you asked for a meal delivery gift for your baby shower. Small things, but they matter when everything else feels enormous. 

During postpartum, it's the little things. That’s really the truth. The ones that show up without asking. The ones that call without texting first. The daily rituals you barely have energy to do, but you know they make a difference in the long run, because as they say “the days are long, the years are short.”